thankful

Starting this post is a little hard. I was debating posting about this, because I decided to keep this more or less 'private' up until now. I felt weird about sharing the fact that I was in a car accident. I didn't want to garner sympathy or attention, and I didn't want to seem like I was complaining or oversharing. Social media does that so much, and I try to share very little on there. Which is why I feel a little hypocritical having a blog and sharing it here. Not that I owe an explanation, but I want to share this for the positives, not the shock value or the scary imagery. Because in the end, the positives are what is left out of this post.

All of this happened last Thursday at 6:30 am. My morning routine is pretty standard. Wake up at 5:30 or 5:45, wash face, brush teeth, put on clothes, makeup, lunch, coffee, out the door. Last Thursday was another normal day. I wasn't late, I had a pretty meager packed lunch, and I liked my outfit. It was a warm but clear day, actually a beautiful morning. I was thinking about what I had to do that day. I clearly remember that NPR was doing a story about Donald Trump on the radio.

About 3 minutes into my morning commute, a pickup truck smashed into my car. I didn't even see it coming. My car had spun and lodged into a fence and everything around me was shaken up. I remember screaming, loudly. My seatbelt was on, but I felt like I had been thrashed around. Miraculously, my hands worked. My arms worked. My legs worked. My mind was, albeit hysterical, working. I unbuckled my seatbelt, and walked out. Thinking about it now, I truly believe that this was an honest to God miracle.

I saw the shattered glass all over the road, my car in a heaping mess of twisted metal. Cars around me stopped; I was shaken to the core. A sweet woman whose name I didn't get came over and held my hand. I fumbled for what felt like forever before I dialed the police, then my parents. It truly was an eternity of standstill horror.

But the next thing I knew, my mom and dad were hugging me, and everyone involved was okay.  I know that ride for them felt like an eternity of horror, too. I remember seeing my car, now hanging from the frame and lodged into a chainlink fence all the way up to the windshield. The back doors were bent and useless. The rear of my car, which was where most of the force hit, was literally reduced to pieces of metal hanging off a steel frame. The only comfort was that everyone in the scene seemed to be okay, and I was with those I love the most.

I clung to my mom, and she helped me realize, that this car took all of the damage and I WAS OKAY.   And this was a miracle. It definitely took me a few hours, especially after thinking about it again and again, but I realized that I was so unbelievably lucky to walk away like I did. I was inches away from so much more pain or even death. It was a serious crash, and just thinking about it is really hard for me to do. I know there are so many people out there who have lived through worse, or who know people who didn't make it out. Thinking about it is so haunting, but now I am aware of how truly lucky I am to be typing this right now; in my bed; enjoying the light rain outside; able to look forward to next weekend. I am so lucky to have all of those things I am enjoying right now. Despite the waves of shock and infuriating anger, I have so much to be thankful for. So much learning in this jarring experience.

I chose not to share this with my friends (until now, that is) and still have mixed feelings talking about it. But an entire support system came into place, here. My colleagues, my mom's friends, her colleagues, and family. S came over right away from work to be with me. Flowers have come pouring in. Family friends pitched in and bought us a take-home dinner so we didn't have to cook. I swear, even Scout knows and has been spending more time with me than usual. There have been so many offerings of help.

The world, in a way, is a little more bright and cheerful. I can't find the words to explain how amazed I am at the joy of life, the hidden explanations and "what ifs" and mysteries of luck. I am so thankful for the beauty in these people I love and this town and the world I live in. I am so lucky that this incident is now, really, only just an inconvenience, and not the loss of something more. I am just so eternally and irrevocably thankful and appreciative of this beautiful world. Letting go of the negative, and embracing the happiness and positivity in life, is so so so much better.

ciao, xo